Birthday Blues

My birthday will be this Wednesday April 23.

I will be 61 years old.

I normally do not tell anyone.

I let it just slide by like any other day.

My father and brother call me from out of state.

And that is OK with me normally.

Last year the big six-zero felt like a huge milestone.

I went through a series of major mental and emotional sensations.

They went on for weeks before the day then faded away.

This year they started a few days before and are less.

I had high expectations for my life from youth.

I sought to start a business then become wealthy and retire early.

Those changed when I came to faith in Christ at 23 years old.

My day of amazing grace was January 16, 1977.

I have earnestly and completely committed my life to Jesus Christ hundreds of times.

I believe God called me to ministry in 1977.

I believe He has been revealing to me many parts of my calling over the decades.

For many years it seemed impossible then the Internet became a reality.

I know God has put on my heart an innovative web based ministry.

When I pray and get still the same impressions occur to me.

And sometimes God adds more.

The ones I am called to serve are those in the poorest countries.

I will work with volunteer college students to collaboratively create educational modules.

These will be addressed to serve orphans, subsistence farmers and rural pastors.

The lessons will start in English and then be translated into many other languages.

The clients will access these at community based libraries.

Those who need education the most can afford it the least.

But they can borrow materials as we work out ways to fund small libraries.

Most people who pray for me have heard me state that before.

But I need to again at this time.

That is because I have been feeling depressed and discouraged.

There has not been much progress on this ministry for a long time.

These days as each day passes I know I am getting closer to my last day.

I some evenings feel anxious that I have not done more for the kingdom of God that day.

I have been reminded recently that apart from Christ I can do nothing.

Yet as I abide in the True Vine I will bear much good fruit.

At times like this I identify with Joseph in the prison.

In due time God moved him into position to complete his destiny.

I ask your prayers for my mental and emotional heath.

May the Holy Spirit encourage me.

May God connect me with the right people right on time.

Pray for me to pray better.

May I consistently improve my spiritual disciplines.

May God grant me strength and courage to face my fears.

Shalom